God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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