i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
