If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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