If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
