I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
