She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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