hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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