I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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