She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
