I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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