I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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