Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
