I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
