so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
