I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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