It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
