community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Randomize
