You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
