Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
