I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
