Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
