I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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