ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
