Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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