I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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