i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
