woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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