Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
