The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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