so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
