Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
