So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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