my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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