Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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