You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
