you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
