Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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