She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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