I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
