Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
