You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
