Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
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