So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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