Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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