Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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