We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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