I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
