Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
