Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
