This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
