and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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