this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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