My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
