when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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