I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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