I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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