My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
