my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
