I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
