tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
