Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
