the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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